tender rationalizations

that night I was caught
in a raintree shower
diminutive heart-shaped leaves
in a downward flutter
sticking to my windshield
as I drove up and down
trailer trash lane
looking for the family
I had driven 30 miles to find

blank eyes stared
from peerless windows
tagging me as alien
the wind rumoring
from gate to gate
sideways glancing
doors slamming
dogs barking
against their chains

the moon flew
with the blackbirds
until it faded into the light
washed away by the
immediate shimmer
of raindrops exploding
on the broken asphalt

I’m back where it all started
or maybe where it was finished
the world clock keeps spinning
tonight I see my own shadow
finally emerged to blot the light
look closely you’ll see the dull glare
of its melancholic suspicion
shoving aside the mantras
weighing down the silence

once inside the home
assess the minimum standard
barely adequate is generally good enough
build rapport til you’re in like Flynn
sympathize most when the suspicion flares
urge onward toward
the letting down of defenses
the Freudian slip
play with the children
bring small sundries for their joy
let the family dog slobber on your hand
laugh and commiserate
one day you see what
they try at first to hide
by then you’re half seduced
by their helplessness and trust
even though they still lie
to you about almost everything
so you document

now you’ve seen
what doesn’t seem like me
just because you hadn’t yet seen it
sitting sullenly in the corner
picking at its own wound
prying it open
to allow the paranoia
to escape

it’s really a job skill
a functional asset
to view the world
with suspicious eyes
and believe the worst
of people and events
problem is that
it bleeds over
and becomes a furrow
through the heart
and I’m usually on one side
or the other
but sometimes
I’m deep inside
excavating


© 2001 Melissa Songer