A year of change (a birthday song to myself)

The path in front of me leading away
from the things I know, into an obscurity
I can barely sense as I place one foot
in front of the other. Impetus unknown.
Snared inside a transformation unfinished.
Doesn’t seem as if I can hurry the process.
I fear the darkness - but that’s all I can see.

I felt the build up - a small anxiety
gnawing in the corner. My past splintered.
My contingencies snug in my pocket.
The just in case scenarios - the escape route
mapped out - eyes bent to the future. Yes.
Then lightning struck the tower and
I watched my walls fall away -
standing unprotected against a feeling
that registered on the Richter scale.
Was it love that undid me - a need
I had denied... the man or the emotion -
and how far could it extend?
Even now I grieve for an unfulfilled dream.


But that’s beside the point. In the midst
of all that, my faith in my chosen path
faltered and my values turned stale
in the freshness of my visions.
As I quaked in the wallop of a serpent
winding upward around my spine,
my voice returned and
the way to God opened
and I shouted to the Universe -
HERE I AM!

I’m still waiting for an answer to that claim
and I want solitude, but I am bound by
ligatures - in spite of everything -
and I just don’t know where
the Hell I’m headed or
even where I am.

My demons are waiting behind
every tree and shrub - grief, illusion, depression,
lies, fear, attachment, and lack of faith.
Anxious they are to bequeath their gifts.
So Happy Fucking Birthday to myself!


© 12/5/2000 Melissa Songer